Traditionally, I've been a pretty social creature. I've managed to find a balance between the precious alone time that I crave, and interaction with fun and interesting people. The past couple of years have supplied fewer fun social events and more family obligations or just plain working too much to want to go out. I have missed going to parties or out dancing and having fun with people. In light of that, you'd think I'd be pleased that recently, our social engagements have been picking up.
Wrong. The past month has been exceedingly social, and instead of fun, 99% of it has felt like work. Which in fact is what most of our "social" engagements have been like for the past couple of years. Almost nothing that we truly looked forward to, and many things that were more obligation than enjoyment. Although we did get enjoyment out of most of them, it wasn't the free and easy type of interchange that marks a true success. I took some time today to figure out just why it all felt like so much effort for so little reward.
I started off with the possibility that I'm old and cranky, but honestly I ain't that old, and although I've been cranky lately it's been partly a lack of amusement rather than any dislike of it. I moved on to the possibility that it's mostly because none of my close friends live anything like nearby (the closest one is a 7 hour drive), so it's always with people I don't know as well. However, that's never stopped me before, and actually I love meeting new people and learning new things and hearing new stories.
That's when I started to zero in on the root of the issue. I love to meet people, learn about them, hear their stories, swap opinions (in a friendly way!). I love to hang out with friends and catch up on what's new in their lives and hear funny stories about their work or their families or their pets, and share some of mine in return. I love to spend time laughing at all the myriad small and goofy things that make up everyday life. I was raised in a family that told stories, discussed their lives, and had interesting conversations about philosophy, politics, music, or just about anything. In past years I've belonged to groups of friends that had these big parties which were just people bringing over some food and beer, turning on some music in the background, then lots of mingling and laughing and talking.
These days, I belong to a group of "doers". Get-togethers aren't scheduled for the pure joy of hanging out, with no expectation except to laugh and talk and eat something and maybe have a beer or two. They're always planned around activities, in places. The movie theater, a restaurant, the golf course, the mall. If we end up at someone's house, a movie will be put into the DVD player, and we sit in virtual silence for 2+ hours. We might pull up something on the computer to share. What we don't do is all sit in a companionable circle, and just chat for the sake of having that interaction. If we do talk, it's always about "something". As in, some safe topic of conversation that everyone is known to have an interest in, nothing new will be introduced, and when that subject is exhausted, silence will reign. The only exception is one group of people who do like to talk -- as long as they're talking. They like to lecture, and the only response they want is your agreement. They don't want to hear your opinion in return, they don't want to hear your stories. When they're done talking, the conversation is over.
This leaves me in a bit of a dilemma. For me, the primary enjoyment is talking to people. I was raised that way, and I'm that way by nature. Now I'm if I want conversation, I have to start it. Sometimes they respond, sometimes look blank, maybe one person will make some effort at answering. Sometimes someone will make a smart-ass comment that makes me feel stupid, or defensive, or boring. Almost always, I end up feeling like everyone thinks I'm this non-stop babbler, and I subside into silence, bored and frustrated and realizing I've got another couple of hours before I can leave. Then I hear that they want to get together again next week, because we all had such a good time last weekend!
Tomorrow night, I will drive two hours through rush hour traffic to spend an evening at a party hosted by a non-talker, with food I am not excited about. I love the woman who's having the baby, but I'm going to put in about 6 hours of time, and although I know it's selfish, right now I begrudge all that effort when I know I'm not going to have much fun. This weekend, I will get a makeover with a couple of women in a town an hour away. The women I am going with don't talk much. Or at all. I am going to be friendly, not because I want the makeover, but I never really know how "friendly" I seem if I spend three hours sitting with people and never talking! The week after that, we will drive an hour and a half. While the boys play golf, I will spend 3+ hours with a woman who doesn't like to talk. Oh goodie?
I'm seriously considering coming down with pneumonia. Or AIDS. Or hantavirus. Maybe a sudden case of brain fever, or a brain cloud. Perhaps I'll get in a car accident on the way to something -- just bad enough to prevent me from attending. Alternatively, I might just get good and drunk at each event and talk to my drink (although that will be harder at a baby shower). Or I might end up writing long posts in this blog which will not be read, but at least in cyberspace, I can't see the blank stare.
These are all good people, I need to make that clear. I like them, I really do. I just sometimes really miss my close friends, all of us getting goofy and not caring if we sound stupid and interrupting each other and talking over each other and most of all just laughing a whole lot as we talk about any damn thing under the sun. Fortunately, my husband is a wonderful conversationalist, and our courtship consisted largely of amazing talks that would go on for hours, with neither of us having to feel self-conscious or worry that we were hogging the conversation or boring the other person, so I'm not in a complete conversational wasteland. I just regret that I don't have more friends like that living in this area, so that I could truly relax and enjoy a social gathering instead of feeling like, on some level, it's work. That I'm always trying to be a good guest or companion, always trying to figure out what the other people want from me, and never feeling like they're making any attempt to return the favor.
I miss having people around to whom part of being raised with good manners meant being conversational when you're in company, who have been taught to converse on a variety of subjects with wit and insight, and to at least act interested in what I say in return. So many people just expect to be entertained constantly, and are openly bored if the entertainment doesn't measure up, instead of having been taught that part of the effort needs to come from themselves.
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