I realize this blog has degenerated into a series of bitch-fests, but I'm not quite through yet. I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry yet, either!
This weekend I hosted a bridal shower for some friends of ours. Invitations were sent out 2 weeks prior to the event, requesting an RSVP. The potential head count of guests was 41, including possibly 7 children, and I was providing food, so those RSVP's were pretty crucial.
As of last Friday, I had received one, count them one, RSVP. The bride had 2 other people tell her they were coming -- but they didn't bother to tell me. I had to get phone numbers and email addresses for the remaining people and contact them directly asking if they were coming or not. Even then, a couple of them said, "Well, we're not sure yet if we can make it or not." I politely told them I needed a head count. They admitted, "No, we're not coming." One person who not only said yes but called twice for directions ended up not showing up after all. In the end, there were only 16 people there, including one baby.
First I'd like to say that this was actually great. I was a lot more worried about amusing 41 people than I was about amusing 16. The problem I had was with the lack of response to the invitations. Are people so ignorant that they don't realize what RSVP means? Are they so accustomed to highly informal affairs that it never crosses their minds that even a casual party could still benefit from some planning? Did they expect us to prepare for a possible 41 people, and then be stuck with a ton of extra food we hadn't needed? Have they never attended any kind of party that was formal enough to require planning? If so, they must have all eloped, since 90% of them were married...
This may seem a trivial whine to people who have never tried to plan a more formal event that included feeding people, audience-participation types of games, etc., but anyone who has will understand. And it isn't my party itself that's the big issue here, it's the simple common courtesy of responding to an invitation with "thank you, yes" or "thank you, no". When I got married 1-1/2 years ago, we sent out our RSVP cards, with a "respond by" date on them. Almost every card arrived about 3 days later, having been sent at the last possible minute. Cards continued to trickle in after that, with the final one arriving the day after the wedding itself!
So I tried to figure it out, and I've come up with several possible explanantions. The first is that people simply haven't been taught good manners, which you knew I'd bring up because it's been such a theme of mine lately. The second one is that people are so confused about good manners, that they are afraid that declining a party invitation will be rude, so they don't do it. Even when they have no intention of being there. The final one is that people are so damn busy these days that they hate to plan anything ahead of time and commit themselves to something that they might not feel like doing that day.
I understand these things, I really do. I've been invited to parties that I didn't want to go to, but knew that the host/hostess would take it poorly if I refused without a great excuse. I've also been so crazy busy that making any effort on a day off seems like too much to ask sometimes.
I also realize that sometimes, you put yourself out a little bit for your friends. If it's important enough for them to plan it ahead of time and send out invitations, and if they cared enough about you to invite you, then it's probably important enough to them that you should try to make it. Yes, it may be a slight inconvenience to you. Maybe it's a long drive, maybe it's your only afternoon off, maybe you'll be tired that day and wish you hadn't said yes.
Go anyway. Make the gesture. It will mean a lot to the host or hostess. Go one step further. Once you're there, put yourself out a little bit. Be social, be pleasant, be appreciative. Try to enjoy the hospitality and the company. The host or hostess will be watching to see how things are going, and it warms the heart to see people smiling, laughing, talking. If there's entertainment, try to seem enthusiastic even if it's not totally your thing. Thank the host or hostess as you leave. They've gone to a lot of trouble, is it so much for them to ask, that they can go to bed that night feeling that their efforts were appreciated?
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