Your Training Partner

Every time you train, whether you're in a dojo full of people or alone in your basement, you have a training partner.  That partner is your inner voice.  It is always with you, whether you hear it or not, whether you are listening or not.  It is always giving you opinions and feedback. 

Your inner voice can be your best friend, giving you those "aha!" moments when something finally clicks.  It can also be your worst enemy, telling you that you are having a bad training, or that something is really hard, when perhaps those things are not true.

The problem with the inner voice is that it is subjective, and very much susceptible to your emotional and mental state.  When I go into the dojo full of energy, happy and motivated, I almost always feel like I'm doing well.  If I go in tired, depressed or preoccupied, I almost always come out thinking I've done badly.  An impartial outside observer might not have noticed much difference between the two trainings.  This is not to say that the voice is wrong; after all these years in a dojo, my inner voice sounds an awful lot like the voices of senseis past and present.  I swear it even speaks with an accent on occasion.  And the words coming out of its mouth are words I've heard over and over again from people who know what they're talking about.  At this point I'm pretty happy that it's apparently been paying attention to its lessons!  But that doesn't mean it always reflects accurately on my overall performance on any given day.

Right now I am forcing myself to train carefully, gradually building up speed as my sore leg begins to heal, but having to be careful of that left side.  I still can't do kicks on that leg, still must ease into my stances carefully.  I have several distractions and irritations in my outside life which have made me so tempted to just sit out, just stay home this one night, or that one morning.  Despite all of this, I have made every regular training since I came back from vacation. 

So, I should be happy with this, right?  I have managed to overcome mental, emotional and physical issues enough to get to the dojo, and to try my hardest while I'm there.  My inner voice should be smug with martyrdom and complacency.  Look at me!  So dedicated!  So brave in the face of so much frustration! 

My inner voice is not that cooperative (or that silly!).  Oh, there's definitely been some patting myself on the back, but the other messages don't shut off just because I think I'm being all noble.  The past couple or three weeks have been anything but fun.  They've been frustrating, annoying, exhausting.  That inner voice which compelled me to go and train has been my worst enemy once I get there, ever aware that I am not performing up to my ability.  I'm conscious of how stiff my left leg is.  I'm conscious of the fact that mentally, I just haven't been all there some nights, despite my best efforts.  I come home exhausted and sore and discouraged, hoping nobody was watching me. 

I'm glad to hear those messages though.  I'm glad that I don't let myself off easy, don't make too many excuses for myself.  It's great that I can sometimes come out of a training feeling like I'm all that plus a bag of chips, but in the long run it's better for my karate that I am aware of my shortcomings, and dissatisfied with them.  My inner voice keeps me honest.  It may be overly harsh at times, but I'd still rather hear that than messages of false encouragement.  It's not that I want to feel bad about my karate all the time, it's just that I want to be self-aware to the extent that I realize if my stance is off, or that one elbow has a tendency to escape, or that my shoulders still roll forward and up sometimes.  If I'm not aware of such things, how will I ever feel the difference when I finally do it right?

So despite the fact that my inner voice has been one extended whine of criticism for the past month, I never tried to hush it or to ignore it, although I do sometimes apply a filter when I can't take any more abuse!  And tonight, I was rewarded.  I am tired and sore.  My leg hurts.  I wasn't shifting properly in one drill, and my second kata really needs work (the timing was off in at least three places, really badly).  However, I done good.  Not only did I show up and try hard, but I did some solid karate while I was there.  My first kata was actually pretty darn good.

How do I know?  That's easy.  My inner voice told me so.

Comments

[[Mat]]

That voice...

Ever watched the movie "Wimbledon"?
All those things that go on in is mind. If I don't focus myself entirely on what I'm doing, that voice is always there. Always.

I'm glad it's there too. When I passed my 5th kyu, all the time it was saying :

Relax, move, breathe, don't think, that's ok, MESSED THAT!, concentrate, focus, move, hit, Don't forget that KIAI.

all the time, all the time. It was the worst karate I displayed ever. In my mind, it was awful.

The comments I got? Work a bit more on ushiro-geri. But, Solid karate for a 5th kyu. Congratulations!

What?

:)

Thank god for that inner voice that keeps us alert all the time. And thank god it sometimes says : Good work! That was terrific!

Cheers!

[supergroup7]

Sometimes my inner voice can be a blessing, and sometimes it can really hamper my efforts. So I do my best to shut up my inner voice, and calm everything down to stillness when I'm "doing" my karate. I will amplify my inner voice when I'm slowly working on technique, and actually study every aspect of what I'm doing under the "inner voice" microscope.