I had a very "special training" this evening. Some of you will know that translates to, "I retested for my Sandan"! In case anyone was wondering, that explains my lack of posting lately. I have spent much time doing karate, and thinking about karate, but not talking about karate. I find it really helps me to keep my stress level under some degree of control when I don't have well-meaning people constantly asking me how I feel about it, do I feel ready, am I nervous, etc. Those inquiries tend to reinforce the idea that everyone expects me to feel bad and be nervous... so, if I've somehow managed to find a peaceful moment, that just kicks it all off again! So I don't tell people I'm testing, and I tend to avoid the topic of karate completely, in hopes that I won't work myself into fits.
It sometimes works, even. I'm sure it probably helped this time, but I was by no means sanguine. My husband commented to someone last night that I was "a little nervous" -- which was a very polite way of saying I was a freaking basket case. I had such strong trainings last week and felt so good about my karate, and didn't have them Monday or Wednesday night and came home in tears, sure I would make a total fool of myself tonight! Ugh, so typical. I had trouble sleeping last night, had much trouble eating today, and had to wait all day for the retest, trying to keep myself distracted. Ugh again. Then I got to drive an hour to take it, and naturally we got stuck in traffic so it took an hour and a half, and there went my warm-up time. Eek! And of course, the black belt tests go last, so we had to wait over an hour for the color belts to complete their tests. Ack!
I was the last person to test this evening. Dead last. I was out there alone. All alone. It is really much harder to pretend they're not watching you when you're the only one out there!! I did my kata, did the second kata they asked for. I was given some very challenging basics combos, not the typical ones so that was much mental pressure as well, to remember something completely new and unexpected. To cap off the evening, I sparred a 6th dan woman who's made it to finals in kumite at Nationals, who is very strong and aggressive.
I don't know whether or not I passed, and won't know until after my sensei has been notified (hopefully Monday!). However, I do know I gave it my all and tried my very hardest, and actually gave a fairly reasonable representation of what I can do in the dojo when I don't think anyone's watching! I had several people tell me it was a good test (including the 6th degree woman, who is pretty sparing with her compliments so that really does mean something), and also got compliments on how I handled some of my kicking combos (which one person described as "retardedly hard"! LOL).
Pass or not, I walk away with my head held high. I'm exhausted, I have some weird cut on my ankle from sparring, I seem to have pulled a back muscle. I am infinitely glad it's over, at least for now. I look forward to eating and sleeping properly again, and yes, I am drinking a beer!
And I'm happy to chat about karate again with anyone who cares to listen. I'll even bore you endlessly with details about my dan test if you like =). Anyone for retarded kick combos?
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