Could have, should have, would have

I'm not having a great night, and it came on me unexpectedly. I am having regrets. Not over something specific, although there are many specific things I could list. It's more general. I don't know why I should be like this. I feel like a spoiled brat, whining that I don't have enough.

Could have, should have, would have.

There was a dream I had for karate this year. Maybe it wasn't very realistic, but I had it anyway, and my plan was to work for it, quietly. I'm already too late though, I'm not going to get it. It's going to someone younger, stronger, with more potential. She also has the advantage of more convenience, more opportunity. She's been training harder, has fewer injuries, lives in Denver so she can train under Master Yaguchi all the time. I am trying hard to be a mature adult about it, and to remind myself of the commitments that just simply had to come first this year. But I can't help thinking, I should have put more time in, should have done this, should have re-arranged that, should have fought through the other thing. If the goal was important enough for me to be sad over, then I should have worked harder for it. It doesn't help that I tried to turn that to motivation tonight at training, and instead, lost my legs halfway through training; I was suddenly tired and my muscles would not respond the way I wanted them to. I felt weak and unworthy. I bet if I had been training harder, more consistently, had been better about conditioning, I would be doing better now.

Could have, should have, would have.

I'm sure dad's illness is affecting me. I know I should keep a strong and positive attitude. I want to, I really do, but I know that my father is not so young, not so strong. So I fear. I don't know what choices I should have made differently in the past 10 years, but I've been so busy that I've barely seen my father, and now, I feel I should have been with him more. It distracts me from work, from karate, from everything. But I should not consider this a "distraction". My dad is more important.

Could have, should have, would have.

There is the distinct possibility that I am very tired. But I don't know the right thing to do anymore, I don't even know what to care about most. If I were really an adult, I wouldn't be thinking this way.

Could have, should have, would have.